The Traumatised Brain After Leaving Toxic Religion: A Blog by Clare Heath-McIvor

I sat in my neurologists office and looked at the images on his computer. White matter microangiopathy. He brushed it off with a glib, “It’s only minor. Something we would expect to see in a migraine sufferer of your age and symptomatology.” But it was there, in black and white. White patches all over my brain scan.


White matter microangiopathy is what happens when tiny lesions appear on your brain, slowing the connections between axons and neurons. In over 60’s, it can cause balance issues, slow walking (oh GOD I don’t ever want to become a slow walker), difficulty multitasking and more. For me, I’m probably asymptomatic for now. Thankfully, due to neuroplasticity, exercise, brain training and an intellectually heavy job, I might stay that way.

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What I knew, what the neurologist was yet to know, is that my migraines are stress-reactive. It’s my body and brain saying, “Okay, this situation is too hard. I’m taking you offline.” It’s like forced dissociation - something I’ve learned is sorta adaptive. But why do I get migraines? Trauma. Specifically religious and other trauma. I am one of the many people who left a toxic church with a parting gift called PTSD. (although it may have started in another church). I returned to my home church searching for solace and found none. And cPTSD was added to my growing artillery of, uh, special skills.


These days, concentration is an issue. I have symptoms that show up like ADHD, but they’re not ADHD. They’re a trauma-shredded brain. But despite all that, it’s a pretty incredible brain. Its a brain that calms down when you feed it coffee - meaning I can slug an espresso and then immediately take a nap. It's a brain that can write academic papers and fiction and non-fiction books, coach executives, manage board presentations, and consult on a number of issues spanning strategic communications to cults, coercive control, religious indoctrination, extremism and more. It’s a great brain. But it is a trauma-addled brain.


And it’s a brain that cannot proofread a tweet to save itself. Or clean the fridge. My goodness. The fridge.


A week ago, electrodes were attached to my earlobes and the back of my skull, measuring the amplitude of my brainwaves. I should have been showing up about 6-12Mhz, given my resting state and the targeted brain segment. I was putting out 34. And now I had a number for how much my brain was working to process the flashbacks, the stress, the ongoing triggers, the grief, and the happiness I’ve found in the life outside.
 
And I knew why I was so tired. All the time. I’m a duck. Steady mood. Unflappable sense of humour. Happy. But neurologically, my feet are under the water and paddling like fury to keep it all afloat.


The truth is I am far from alone. Anecdotally, lots of people I’ve encountered through my podcasts (Unchurchable, and Survivors Discuss) and survivor groups have recounted similar things: CPTSD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, panic disorders, existential dread, paralysis over basic decisions, fear that every bit of bad luck is the judgement of a vengeful God. It takes a bit of processing by survivors, and ironically, it’s usually the after-effects of Institutions that believe they act on behalf of a loving God and show that love through means that inflict damage.


I don’t believe they mean it. I do think they are indoctrinated to think this is love, without looking at its fruit and scrutinizing it as being rotten. I do believe they lack the introspective ability and critical thinking to stop protecting the perpetrators and act like Jesus would and care for the vulnerable.

But where does it leave us? The people with brains shredded by religious abuse and abuse that occurred in religious settings (if I dare make such a distinction between the two?)


New Studies are looking at people like us.


This time last year, a study emerged from the Global Centre for Religious Research examining the percentage of US adults suffering from religious trauma {1}. The study, published in March of 2023, took data from 1,581 adults living in the US. Now, that is what we in the research world would call a pretty hefty sample size, allowing us to make some predictions about what it means for the rest of the population. Here’s what it found.


27-33% of people have experienced religious trauma at some point in their life.

That number hiked up to 37% if the participant was suffering from three of the six major religious trauma symptoms.


90% of the respondents know between one and ten people who they believe may suffer from religious trauma symptoms.


It could mean that up to one in five Americans suffer from symptoms of religious trauma syndrome.


Yikes. Yikes for America. Yikes for the rest of the Western world, where similar evangelical attitudes, methods and dominionist campaigns exist.


So what is religious trauma syndrome, and what are its symptoms?


While religious trauma syndrome is yet to be included in the Diagnostic Manual of the Psychological Profession (the DSMV) it is increasingly being recognized by psychologists and psychotherapists. Religious Trauma Syndrome its thought to be “a set of symptoms, ranging in severity, and experienced by those who have participated in or left behind authoritarian, dogmatic and controlling religious groups and belief systems.” {2, 3, 4}


How’s this for a symptom list?


  • Cognitive issues like confusion, difficulty with decision making, difficulty with critical thinking, identity confusion
  • Affect issues like anxiety, panic attacks, depression, suicidal ideation, anger, grief, guilt, loneliness and lack of meaning
  • Functional issues like sleep and eating disorders, nightmares, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse and somatization
  • Social and cultural issues such as ruptured family and social networks, employment issues, financial stress, interpersonal issues and issues fitting in with society.
  • Developmental Delays includes emotional, sexual intellectual, and social immaturity due to control of information and other restrictions.


It’s depressing to read, I know. Especially if you look at it and go, “tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.” But I write this to hammer home the idea that it’s treatable. Increasingly, the psychological profession is looking at this, realizing its potential severity, doing the research to provide much-needed empirical data, but most of all, turnings its eyes to supporting religious trauma sufferers.


As Australia jumps through more hoops to ban sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts (conversion therapy), and to stop the nations largest lobby group from pressuring a progressive government into caving on religious freedom laws (which would allow church institutions to discriminate against LGTBQ+ teachers), its worth noting the damage church does to many.
 
I’m not anti-God. I’m absolutely not anti-Jesus. But it’s time Church faces a reckoning over the trail of wreckage that leads from its pulpits. From the victims of the Hillsong scandals to the Gothard and IBLP kids to the homeschooled kids, the parentified kids, the kids denied medical care because prayer was supposed to work, to the people who lost agency because they entered a high control group where their decision-making ability was handed to the dear leader.
 
There’s a bit to sort through.


I’m happy these days. Sure, I get hit by waves of grief, and I miss my mum and siblings like nothing else. I also know it’s not time yet. It’s not safe for any of us to reconnect yet without doing damage. I have wonderful friends, a booming business, hobbies, rewarding projects, kids I adore, the freedom to choose and the wear-with-all to do so. Life is good. I also have white matter microangiopathy, migraines, PTSD, cPTSD and a little something called burnout.
 
I don’t know whether I’ll ever fully recover from what church did to me - made even more troublesome given the role of my family in church - but I do know that better is one day out here than a thousand days inside. I had roughly 13,505 days inside. I’ve clocked up about 1,460 days outside. And I can smile.
 
Hang in there religiously traumatized friends. Help is on the way. The psych system is starting to understand us. Scandal after scandal breaks for big church as Lady Justice begins her slow, deliberate march toward the steeple. And we got out.
 
I wish you peace and healing. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.


Clare Heath-McIvor

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Abuse claims against N.L. archdiocese swells to $121M following successful appeal by victims

By Outrage Canada • April 2, 2025
CBC Lite - April 1, 2025 St. John's, NL - A Newfoundland court has increased the total liability of the Roman Catholic Episcopal Corporation of St. John’s to $121 million after a successful appeal by 59 victims of sexual abuse. These victims, previously excluded from compensation, were awarded $15.3 million in addition to the $104-million settlement approved in 2024 for nearly 300 victims. The case involves abuse by the Christian Brothers at Mount Cashel orphanage and other Catholic institutions in Newfoundland and British Columbia. Despite selling over 100 properties, the corporation has only raised $40 million—far short of the required funds. A previous $22 million was distributed to victims, but insurance coverage was denied. The provincial government may also face legal pressure to contribute to compensation. Justice Garrett Handrigan ruled that the corporation remains liable, reversing decisions that denied compensation to some victims. This includes 12 claimants in British Columbia, where church officials knowingly transferred abusive clergy from Newfoundland. However, past settlements will be deducted from new awards. The court will finalize this latest settlement after May 1.

The month of March has come and gone...

By Outrage Canada • April 2, 2025
Bernadette Howell, Spiritual Health Practitioner - April 2, 2025 Breaking the silence. Confronting clergy abuse. The month of March has come and gone, with its mix of sun, wind, rain, and clocks that needed changing! Some of us may have been surprised waking up this morning to realize that it is already April. How fast time flies when you’re having fun…or perhaps, are exceedingly busy! For my part, I’ve been exceedingly busy, but here I am once more, with yet another blog. It is one I will attempt to keep short but know, dear readers, that this week’s blog is one I would prefer not to be writing at all. Why? Because the end of March was the promised date for the wildly late, overly long-awaited Vancouver Archdiocese Clergy Abuse Update Report. But, as you have guessed, it's not coming. We're not getting anything! It's been nearly three full years of absolute silence. No communications or updates of any kind, despite the Archbishop's commitment to publish a Clergy Abuse Update Report every six months. I quote first from Archbishop Miller’s speech at the Vancouver Archdiocese Annual Dinner on 30 October 2018: “This evening, I would like to begin my conversation with you by calling attention to the grave situation of clerical sexual abuse and cover-up by bishops, which has recently come to light. My first responsibility is toward the victims of these horrific crimes, those who have been so severely harmed by members of the clergy. It has been an extraordinarily trying time for victims and their families, who have been forced yet again to revisit the injustices they have suffered.” As reported by the B.C. Catholic, Archbishop Miller then went on to say: “We must find more effective ways to support and care for victims of abuse, to protect everyone from it ever happening again, and to bring justice and closure to historical cases of abuse.” Then from his Pastoral Letter, four months later on 19 February 2019: “The Archdiocese is committed to supporting victims of clergy sexual abuse meaningfully through the provision of counselling and effective advocacy support as they journey on the path to healing. Too often in the past, victims have been allowed to fade away from our Church family without receiving the justice and support that they deserve... It is imperative to find ways to reach out to victims and their families with our most sincere apologies and an invitation to receive whatever comfort and healing we can facilitate”. He goes on to say: “We will also be taking bold steps to ensure that abusive clergy members are held accountable for the terrible crimes they have committed. Greater transparency will invite more input for change and will foster greater trust in the faithful members of our clergy and religious communities.” And then there is Archbishop Miller’s Pastoral Letter from 25 November 2019, his letter which accompanied the Vancouver Archdiocese Clergy Abuse Report and its thirty-one recommendations: “Now is the time for us to address more fully what we, as the local Church, can do to respond better to the needs of victims of abuse, as well as improve our policies and procedures that have been in place for many years. All these efforts going forward entail a profound and continuous conversion of our hearts. Such a conversion must be accompanied by a firm commitment to take concrete and effective action marked by greater transparency and accountability in all that we do.” I can quote so much more, but I’ll stop right here. “All these efforts going forward entail a profound and continuous conversion of our hearts. Such a conversion must be accompanied by a firm commitment to take concrete and effective action marked by greater transparency and accountability in all that we do.” It gives me no joy to say that: I have seen no such “conversion of heart”. Not in all the years I have tried hard to help the Archdiocese of Vancouver address this topic and care for its victims. I have seen no “firm commitments” honoured nor have I witnessed or experienced “concrete and effective action”. And I have seen no “transparency” or “accountability” take place. Have you? Please do let me know so that I might share it with others. So allow me instead to share what we do get in place of concrete action, conversion of heart and firm commitments… We, as in myself and a couple of others (who were also members of the Clergy Abuse Review Committee) get an email from the Archbishop’s Delegate for Operations, James Borkowski, telling us that: “After receiving feedback from insurers and other stakeholders, the new website is being paused.” As an invested stakeholder myself, along with many other Catholics and non-Catholics alike, whether victim-survivors or not, what can one possibly say to this? There is quite simply no suitable or adequate response to be made! Here's a thing. None of us is looking for a fancy website! We never asked for a website. Just a report - twice a year. We just want to be updated on the progress of all the recommendations and the commitments made by the Archbishop and the Vancouver Archdiocese. We just want to be updated with news of other predator priests still not named but known to the Archdiocese. We want to hear and know that the plight of victims matters. And that when names are released of predator priests known to the Archdiocese but kept hidden till now, many victims who have suffered alone will know they are not alone. We don't want lofty language and empty promises on fancy new websites, all of which amount to nothing when action does not follow. And as for silence? Perhaps no one at the Vancouver Archdiocese has yet realized the impact that silence has on victim-survivors? Silence was, and still is, the very weapon which predator priests use over their victims. Thus, silence today, from leaders who should know better, is incredibly harmful and damaging. Another recipient of that email from last week, notifying us that the Catholic Church’s insurance companies and “other stakeholders” are not happy with the website wrote: “We are not the only people who are concerned about this matter. The community at large needs to be informed as to what will and will not happen, and why.” They then added, “the Archdiocese should publish a statement about what it does intend to do, and how it expects to move forward on commitments made,” suggesting that this should be done "as soon as possible". Yet another wrote, “I am losing hope that anything will change in this diocese” adding that whatever improvements and undertakings have taken place, leave one with the feeling that these are just “temporary band aids to create an illusion to convince the public that things will change.” Needless to say, since receiving the email, and all recipients responding, there has only been more silence. No further communication. No reaction. No offer to publish a statement about what the Archdiocese intends to do. Whatever happened to Archbishop Miller’s and the Vancouver Archdiocese’s first responsibility being “toward the victims of these horrific crimes, those who have been so severely harmed by members of the clergy” and “respond(ing) better to the needs of victims of abuse”? Has nobody in the Vancouver Archdiocese, leaders or administration, made the connection yet that the victims “so severely harmed” are the very ones waiting and wondering why there are no updates being shared, whether about predator priests, cases in progress, or class action suits underway? And what about Archbishop Miller’s imperative “to find ways to reach out to victims and their families” and the “invitation to receive whatever comfort and healing” the Archdiocese can facilitate? Allow me to bring this blog to a close by sharing words received from a blog reader this past week. They wrote: “Your blog is unprecedented in scope, detail and history, and stands alone as a reference work”. Albeit this is weighty stuff for me to hear, I am glad that my truth-telling stands alone as a reference work, for too much is hidden by Catholic Church leadership and kept in the dark. Too much that is still covered-up. I find myself carrying a torch that I would rather not carry... Whoever the original quote may be attributed to, I echo their words that “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.” I, for one, cannot stand by. Please do not become one of the many who do nothing, but join me instead, in speaking out and speaking the truth... Until the next time, Bernadette
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